No man's land.

I find myself struggling with my identity all the time. Being born and bred in Britain, yet having a Gujarati-Indian heritage and culture can often confuse a lost soul. Growing up I've been aware of the different cultures around me, as well as my own heritage. Having a mother from India made it impossible to escape the traditions and social conventions of a culture that I felt was displaced and irrelevant in the modernity of the United Kingdom. As young teen I never truly identified with my ancestral heritage; I could just about speak the language, with an awkward accent that my relatives abroad found hysterical; I didn't like the food much, as to an Indian, a curry isn't something special- its just food (chips and roast dinners would excite my palate more); the traditional clothing was uncomfortable and impractical during winter days; superstitions didn't quite make sense- although as a result of being brainwashed into thinking witches exist, I still don't go out after midnight. Throw Religion into the mix, and you get even more confusions.

However as I've tried to expand my knowledge, and move away from the conventions of my culture, I've found myself holding it closer to my heart more than ever. I believe it is down to moving away from home in the East Midlands to the West. Not a stark difference you say? My experience would say so otherwise. Despite being considered a diverse city, Wolverhampton's Asian population is much lower compared to my home town. According to the 2011 Census, the Asian population in Leicester was 37.1% out of a 329,839 total population. In comparison, the Asian population in Wolverhampton is 17.5% out of 249,470. I'm no Mathematician, but even I can see the difference.

Ok, lets put statistics aside, and focus more on the experience of being Asian and living in the West Midlands. Upon commencing uni and finding part time work I found myself experience very mild racial slander; despite being a diverse city, there was no awareness of the different cultures amongst the various groups. I found myself becoming stereotyped in conversations; my fate would be narrated to me by people that assumed I had strict parents, an arranged marriage, and could cook Indian food. People would often treat me differently and speak to me differently than to my friends, who were not Asian. I often thought that people perceive me in a certain way due to my personal choice to wear the Hijab; a symbol of my faith. This was quickly proven true when I have ventured outside without it on, and spoken to the very same people. Their behaviour and perhaps attitude towards me changed, and I was suddenly taken more seriously, and spoken to with some regards. Before I would be dismissed, and not felt welcome in group conversations; what could a small Asian Muslim girl have in common with the rest of the Western population, right?

Perhaps I was too self-conscious; perhaps this always existed around me but I was protected from it all by my parents who, if they had it in their power, would try to protect me and my siblings from even the wind. Upon ranting about my experiences with a White female friend, she disclosed something to me that had not crossed my mind before. She said that when she, or people she knows, see someone with a physical symbol of their faith, they assume that person has extreme views, and prefers to keep their group. I was quite shocked upon hearing this, and also slightly disappointed. Is this what people thought of me? Was I doing something to evoke this? Was this something the people I share my faith with doing, and if so, was it intentional?

This annoyed me for a while, and led me to question my faith. I do not have any extreme views, and nor do my family. In fact I've grown up witnessing my parents having nothing but courteous manners towards people from different ethnic groups and even religious groups. If anything, my religion has taught me to be respectful of those around me, and I have always strived to practice this fundamental guideline. However, these days it seems as though people that practice their faith are often categorized as narrow minded and primitive. It has become a trend to mock anyone that still practices their faith.

It frustrated me to think that I was considered an outsider or different, when all I've ever tried to do is balance my Western life along with my inherited culture and faith. This is still something I find myself battling with. When I am faced with the challenges of my culture I find myself criticising it, but when I hear others criticising I become defensive. I don't belong in India, yet there is no place for me in my birth country. I follow a secular religion, yet do not agree with everything that gets dictated.

However I have realised that I belong to a group of my own, and that is the group box often identified on Equality and Diversity forms that I have to tick. British-Asian. Ok, that was a no-brainer. But when I say British-Asian (as much as it makes me cringe for reasons that I will rant about in another blog post), I don't mean that radio show with the tasteful music.. I mean a group that is no different to the African-American, or African-British groups. We have in common, what W. E. B. Du Bois identified as 'Double Conciousness'; the challenge of balancing a distant yet inherent culture with a Western upbringing.

During my younger and naive days I would be embarrassed by my culture, language and practices but I have learnt to accept it because it has shaped me into the person I am today. I find my culture humbling and simple. I have been taught to respect elders and display good character and manners. Equally, I am proud to be born in a Western civilisation that allows me to flourish equally to those around me. It is important to recognise the combination of the two, the yin and yang as it were, that allows me to thrive as the person that I am, or hope to be.

I suppose as long as humans continue to focus on what makes us different from each other, this struggle will always remain, but there is nothing wrong with that. There is beauty to be found in all things strange. What makes this struggle difficult is when we remain ignorant and disrespectful to things unknown to us. We need to accept people for their differences. It's healthy to debate and explore, but don't criticise and slander. Like my main man MJ says, when you close your heart, you close your mind.